It was about the recent passing of her Grandmother and how at her funeral someone mentioned the Kool-Aid that she always had ready for them. That was what they remembered about her. Not some big earth shattering event.....just well-timed Kool-Aid.
I shared the article on Facebook and some discussion that ensued got me thinking......
In the event of my death, what will my children remember of me?
Since December, my life has been drastically different. In our relationship, and in parenting, Chad was the fun one. He was the one that came up with games for the kids. He was the one that liked the noise and chaos that many times was so rampant in our home. It.drove.me.crazy. But they were having fun. They were being kids.
I stated many times immediately following his death, that I didn't know what to do because he was the fun one. He was the one that kept our family moving along. I am boring. I love to be active....with others, mainly adults. But I couldn't envision myself taking my kids to a waterpark or the zoo alone. I didn't hunt alone, so that was out too (which my kids absolutely LIVE for). I loved the family activities that we did, but without him, I'd rather curl up with a book and I'd be totally content.
I have lately found myself in a rut. I am soooo genuinely happy to be married again and getting back into a 'real family life'.....but I also find myself wasting an insane amount of time. It's like I'm stuck and needing to be alone. Being home all of the time is driving me crazy, my kids are driving me crazy, this discontent is driving me crazy......... I'm just existing, and wasting my life away. The days all run together into a great big giant lump of wasted life, and my kids are paying the price.
I think part of it is that I was NicoleandChad....I have no idea who Nicole is.
I was so into studying God's word and attempting to be an awesome example of being a wife and mother, before Chad passed away. I thought I knew who I was and what I was all about. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom and wife. And I had gotten to a point of being content as such (which took A LOT of doing, it did NOT come easily to me to be content in that role). But as soon as Chad was taken, I just stopped doing everything. I stopped reading, I stopped writing, I stopped living. I didn't want to take care of my house, I didn't want to deal with the kids, I didn't want to do anything.
I was happy to be given another amazing relationship, I was grateful that my kids adjusted to our new life so easily, I was thankful that the Lord prepared me so fully to take Chad......but I was just stuck.
I felt (and still feel many times) that I was just confused. Everything I knew about me was wrapped around Chad. He was entangled into every part of what I was. I didn't know what to do. I was second-guessing everything.
Did I really believe this or that, or did I put my feelings aside to support him? Did this or that really interest me or did I do it to support him? Over and over, around and around.
I do not regret anything I did in my marriage with Chad. I love that we knew each other so incredibly well that we just knew what to do and when. We didn't have to discuss it, we just knew.
However, in this 'stagnant period' I have been in....I feel that my girls are suffering. I feel that, even though we have been INCREDIBLY busy this summer, they have just sort of existed around me. I have pushed them away every chance I've gotten.
"Go play, it's nice out", "Just watch a movie or something", "Get out the play dough", "Color someone a picture"...........do whatever you need to do to occupy yourself and leave me alone.
I can't fathom how I homeschooled.
I have become discontent.
I still feel very strongly that 'things' don't matter. It's just stuff....stuff is nothing.
When I'm gone, they won't remember that they had a new toy. They will remember if I constantly push them away, however.
Chad did so many things that irritated me. So many things that I didn't agree with, but they remember it. They remember all the getting crazy dirty. They remember the camping extra days when I just wanted to go home and take a hot shower. They remember that, to Daddy, dirt didn't matter. Money didn't matter. Things and appearances absolutely didn't matter.
I can say for certain that Chad never knew the kind of impact he had on people. He didn't know how special he was and how much people admired him for the man he was. Many may not agree with how he lead this family, but, in hindsight, he was right.
Things don't matter, noise will fade, messes will go away......but memories are forever.
I resolve today to get back into the Word. I will make my days count. I will read to my children and play with them and savor every loud, chaotic moment. I will pray for patience and wisdom to help them grow into amazing, God following adults. I will strive to show them the kind of wife God desires them to be. I will pray that they get from me that children are a blessing and not a nuisance.
I am tired of being stagnant.......I want to get back to me....whoever that may be. I am excited to find out. I am excited to get to know my new husband and to be able to give him what he needs before he even knows he needs it. I am excited to be his safe haven and place to rest. I am excited to make a home for my new daughter. She is on fire for the Lord and I am so excited for her.
I am ready to build my own legacy, even if it is only that I always was ready with well timed Kool-Aid.
To read Countney's article that inspired this post, go here.....
Are you forming a legacy or just going through the motions of life? If you died tomorrow, what would those around you remember of you? That you were on the computer too much, that you griped and grumbled all of the time......or that you were loving and supportive.
I saw this somewhere and I LOVE it.....
"Live in such a way that if someone said something bad about you, no one would believe it"
Do you live this way?
Linked to: The Better Mom, Time Warp Wife, Growing Home, My Joy-Filled Life