"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." ~Francis Chan

Thursday, June 19, 2014

So over the crabbiness....

I'm crabby.

There I said it.  I don't mean to be and I have pep talks with myself every morning before I leave my nice quiet bed, but before long the crabby bug bites.  I yell and I say things that I don't mean.  I'm impatient with my kids for just being kids.  I don't discipline out of love and wanting to have their hearts in the right place, I just want them to be quiet little soldiers and obey the first time, no questions asked.  I'm questioning how in the world I homeschooled for almost 2 years (and loved it) because we are only 2 weeks out of school, and I'm going crazy.  And the worst part is, it rubs off on my girls.  They are yelling and starting fights.  They are calling names and saying things that they shouldn't be....they are developing horrible, self righteous attitudes.  And I HATE it!

At first I didn't really know what my issue was.  It kinda snuck up on me and I blamed it on not knowing where my life was going.  I wasn't sure what our housing situation was, I was working out and not losing weight, I was desperately trying to learn what makes my hubby tick, I was trying to decide if I wanted to work outside of the home and if so what I wanted to do, and I was feeling like the worst parent in the world because my kids were acting less than desirable.  I haven't been writing because I wrote about marriage, for the most part, and I feel that I am back in re-learning everything it takes to make a marriage work because this one is soooo different than my first one......how can I give advice when I don't know?  I feel tremendous pressure to write "the right thing" because I've gotten so much praise on my blog from those I both know in person and those I don't......what if I don't inspire anymore?  What if I'm not good enough???  How do I handle being so out of control of everything in my life???

(yes, I tend to be a control freak....and I tend to get crabby when things are out of my control and right now EVERYTHING about my life is totally out of my control)

I seriously just want to run away.  Not that going on mini vaca helps.....all of this mess is still here when I come back.....and because I was away, and all was well, it slaps me in the face twice as hard when I return.

I have had many job "issues" lately.  I always pray before an interview that if the Lord wants me there, that He makes it happen, and if not, then I will be ok with it and wait on Him for where ever it is that He wants me.

But.it's.so.hard.  I'm beginning to take all of these 'rejections' personally.  I know they aren't, but at some point, you begin to wonder.

We are getting so close to finally being in our own home again.  Maybe that will help.  I'm continuing to send out resumes.  Maybe someone will give me a chance.  I feel like my body is starting to change, albeit slightly.  With each passing day, I'm leaning more and more what my hubs likes and doesn't like.

I'm hoping that I can get this turned around.  But then I remember.......all of this is still new.  Every part of my life is so different.  I really haven't given myself a chance to adjust.  I put on a strong front for everyone.  Don't get me wrong....I am extremely happy.  I am extremely excited about where my life is going.  I am just so impatient.

I don't want to think that my life will be all peachy when this or that happens.  I want it to be peachy now.  I want to roll with the punches and be happy TODAY.  Not when everything is back to normal.  There will never be a 'back to normal'.....my life is different now.  I must adjust to my NEW NORMAL.

And that is ok.  There are many, many aspects of my 'new life' that I love!  I also have to remember that it's not just a new normal that I'm developing, it's also a new phase of life.  I'm not in the baby phase anymore. My kids are older now.  I can work outside of the home and my family will be just fine.  I can do some of the things that I love, because my kids are more self sufficient.  I can enjoy learning my hubby, and not get upset because it takes longer than I want.....I can focus on the excitement of the newness and not get bogged down that it's not normal yet.....normal will come.  I can't force time..........

I read a blog post today at Finding Joy.  It's called 10 things happy moms don't do. Some of them really resonated with me (and actually inspired this post)......

***Expect the perfect day........they don't exist, stop basing your happiness on this
***Base success on the state of the home....I have 5 kids here all day, mostly every day.  I need to stop getting irritated and cranky because 5 minutes after I clean up, it's dirty again.  They are kids.  Kids make messes.  Getting angry and ornery about it, doesn't change that fact.....but a kind request to clean up their mess normally DOES get results.
***FORGET ABOUT THEMSELVES---I think this is the BIGGEST one for me.

I love serving my family.  I feel that a good Christian mom/wife is constantly serving, and serving with a good attitude.  But somewhere in this life, I've lost NICOLE and I think it's a major part in my crabbiness.  I feel that my whole worth is wrapped up in cleaning, cooking, and other things that I really don't like. And I feel that as soon as I do all of this "serving", I need to turn around and do it again.....then I get mad because "apparently NO ONE in this house can see that I just cleaned the floor and they leave their junk all over".  I believe that this scenario just makes me feel unappreciated and irritated because I'm giving up all this for my family and no ones cares.  I KNOW this isn't true, but I can get in a pity party and I've felt this way often in the last 6ish months.

What is it that makes ME happy?  I'm about to find out.  I still love writing, but I keep getting the feeling that there is more out there for me.  I feel most days like I am letting my life waste away before me.  Thing is, I have a husband that supports ANYTHING I feel like it is that I need for ME.

I don't know what it is yet, but I'm looking. And searching, and praying.

I AM happy being a mom and a wife, but I feel that there is more.......and I'm going to find out what that is. I'm finally realizing that wanting to do something for ME does't make me selfish.  It doesn't make me less of a Christian, or less of a mother.  Quite the opposite.......it's actually easier for me to do housework and dinner after I get home from work because I have to do it then.  I tend to put off the mundane when I have day after day to do it, so I just put it off.  Why bother, it's just gonna be dirty again and I have all day tomorrow.....it leads to a lazy, wasted life....one that I'm tired of.

The only one hampering my personal growth is me.......

I'm the one allowing myself to be crabby......no more.  I'm going to pretend like I have a camera on me video recording 24/7....would I like what I see?  If not, I will change it.

It's no fun being crabby and stressed out.  The Lord has something in mind for me, and while I'm waiting for Him to reveal it, I'm going to focus on what I do have.  I'm going to try to regain control of my tongue and pray that everything that comes out of my mouth is respectful to my husband and my children.  I'm going to discipline out of love and not resort to yelling and making empty threats.

You just can't be happy that way, and I'm over it........time to reset and start to love my life again.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

I must vent a little........

I was listening to the radio in the car yesterday and I heard an advertisement for the Chip n Dale male dancers (it was on a country radio station).  One of the things they said in the course of the ad was "Take a break from your husband or boyfriend".  I mean, seriously????

Does this strike anyone besides me as a ridiculous statement?  I would imagine for most of the people that would read this blog, this statement is offensive.  But it also makes me wonder why so many people think this is ok??!!  At what point is going to stare at, and fantasize about, a man other than the one you are with ok?

I feel like this mentality is why there is so much discontent in relationships today.  Why can't what you have ever be enough?  Maybe instead of "taking a break", you should be nurturing what you already have.  Maybe you're husband isn't perfect.....neither are you.  Maybe he isn't the most handsome or maybe he doesn't have rock hard abs, but do you?  Would it be ok for him to have thoughts about another woman?

I know some women who wouldn't have an issue with their husband going to an event such as this, but you will never convince me that it is healthy for your relationship.  I don't want my husband thinking of some "perfect" human specimen while he's with me.

I get "girls night out", but why does it have to bring in the temptation of a man other than your husband?

I just don't get it.  I love everything about my husband, even the parts he hates.  THIS IS A CHOICE....to focus on the good and blow off the bad.  I daily focus on how amazing he is to this family.  How well he takes care of us.  How he loves me.  How much I respect and appreciate him.  I am totally infatuated.  However, if I wanted to....I could focus on his flaws.  I could dwell on the stuff he does that bothers me.  But does that build our relationship or break it down?  Why would I intentionally want to break down a great thing?

I know how easy it is to get into "husband bashing" at a girls night out.  Something little and simple becomes grounds for divorce after you gripe about it to your girlfriends for an hour and they throw in their husbands horrible habits.  It's a snowball effect and by the end of the night, all men are worthless horrible beings.

I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I would NEVER say anything bad about my husband to anyone, ever.  No good can ever come from sharing your husbands shortcomings with anyone.  If you are having an issue as a couple, it needs to stay between the two of you.....not broadcast to the world.

I've read that men want respect above all else.  If they find out from someone that you are griping about the things that bug you to others, do you think they feel respected?  If they feel disrespected, do you think they will go out of their way to love you the way you desire?

We do not need to "take a break" from anyone, especially to go gawk at someone else.  Put that energy into your own relationship.  It's been said that the "grass is greener where you water it"........

End of rant......I just can't stand stuff that encourages any sexual temptations outside of your marriage......there is so much divorce right now, and it's crap like that that encourages it.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

What happened to looking for the joy in everyday things?

So, this week I'm all sorts of whiny.  My yummy husband is gone for work training for the week, and I don't like it!  I'm such a baby when I have to be alone at night, but it is what it is.  I'm an adult and I will get through it....but I really want to be crabby about it.

I was laying in bed, alone, last night and was really thinking about how much I was having to intentionally have to not be crabby to everyone.  It's sad really.  And it's really not all about the hubs being gone, I'm just so unsettled right now.

I keep thinking that once spring gets here I'll be better, once I know if/where I'm going to work it will be better, once our house is done it will be better, once I lose this weight I'm working on shedding.....on and on and on.....

So, as I was thinking about all the stuff I'm waiting on to make me better (and happier) I got to thinking about my writing.  When I was writing regularly, I had committed to be thankful.  I had committed to see the best in EVERY situation.  I refused to let myself be a downer.

And it made me content.

I read a post about getting your kids to stop complaining yesterday by Ann Voskamp.....you know, 1000 Gifts, keep a gratitude journal, that Ann Voskamp?  Anyway, her advice to get your kids to stop complaining was to have them, daily, write down the things they are thankful for.

Duh....I know that.  Why did I let myself get in this funk?

I was so good at looking at all of the little things and thanking God for them.  Every hardship, every bump in the road, every rainstorm, and every good thing.  I was good at seeing the blessing in a sunset, a warm breeze, a child's laughter, everything......and I was SO HAPPY.

My life was no where easy at that time, but I refused to worry and I was continually thankful for EVERYTHING....even the little, unnoticeable stuff.

I want to get back to her.  I want that girl back that saw the good and joy in everyday experiences.

After I was contemplating all of this stuff last night (and read Ann's blog yesterday), I happened onto Laura's Gratituesday post today.  I used to always write and link to these Tuesday posts, but I sort of forgot about them since my writing has been so sporadic.

So, even thought I'm still a smidge whiny that my love is gone for the week, I'm going to list what I am thankful for right now......and find that thankful, content girl again.

  • For a rental house that we are able to stay in for longer than our lease because our house is taking sooooo long
  • For the sunshine that is slooooowly melting all of this snow that just doesn't seem to want to leave
  • For butter toffee keurig coffee this morning
  • For days of quiet in which I can have time to think and really figure out what I stand for and want out of this life
  • For the amazing way my children came through the hardest year of their lives and still can smile and know that it was all part of God's plan
  • For my amazing husband and all that he brings to this family that was so broken
  • For my husband's job that has stolen him for a week, but is steady and reliable
  • For a close knit and supportive family system
  • For a fit body that allows me to work out and shed this extra that I don't want to keep carrying around
  • For all of the summer plans that we are getting excited about
  • For all of the blessings that our family has received that are too numerous to count
Even on my worst day, I still have it better than so many people in this world.  I really need to stay focused on that.  I desperately need to remain joyful and thankful for every.little.thing.  Maybe Ann is onto something.....maybe to kick start my contentment journey again, I'll start counting my 1000 gifts.....hmmmmm

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